Feelings: BIG & small

“Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.”

-Henri de Lubac

The above quote, by Henri de Lubac, provides a little insight into the effects of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OCD can make daily life hard for people diagnosed with the disorder. While I have never been diagnosed with OCD, I have many re-occurring obsessions and compulsions that I feel the constant need to carry out. These obsessions and compulsions started from a very young age, and I constantly feared death and being contaminated with an incurable disease. I can remember reading a sentence and then after completing the sentence I would have to read it backwards so that I would feel as if I was back where I started; I would do this same thing with the passing billboards I saw while riding in the car, and when I could not read it backwards before it passed I would feel a panicky feeling overwhelming me. When I starting feeling the panic, I would try to do something else (like blinking a certain amount of times) so that I would feel slightly better. When I was about eight years old I remember that I had to ask my mom each night if I was going to die that night or not. There is no way for my mom or anybody to know when I might die, but I still persisted. I instantly felt better after my mom would tell me that she did not see a reason for me to die that night; this went on for years.

Nowadays, I don’t ask if I’m going to die, but I still fear death a little. Most of this fear comes from not following through with a compulsion and because I didn’t follow through with it I would die because of it. One of the bigger things I deal with is blinking four times; I do this because I feel like if I don’t, something bad will happen.

The quote that I have put above is something I believe to definitely be true. Habits and routines are not necessarily bad things, but when it becomes an obsession that has to be completed in order to feel right, it can easily destroy a person’s life. I have started to let my compulsions and obsessions destroy me little by little, but I am aware of it, and I will not let it rule my life. There are some instances where it will get so bad while I’m in class that I want to leave because I don’t want anyone to look at me and think that I’m weird because I’m blinking a lot in a row or because I feel awkward in the way I sit or look.

A person does not study what you are doing or looking like and consider it to be the most important thing in the world. There are many other things that a person has to think about and process. I say this and I understand, but I still feel like everyone is looking at me and whispering about me.

This page is mainly a journal in which I will talk about daily struggles I go through. I will also be writing about other feelings I feel throughout the day, and providing insight so that not only will I be able to handle situations better, but to also give other people insight into how to deal with similar situations. I am exposing an important part of my life because I feel that it is needed to provide insight into people who deal with such things and because OCD is occasionally given a bad rap. People with OCD are not much different from other individuals without the disorder; we just have different ways of going about things or ideas.

Feedback and comments are much appreciated.